The emotional roller coaster that is the Detroit Lions undeniably lived up to their standards of mediocrity last season in a big way. What first seemed like a promising 2-0-1 start followed by a banger with the eventual SB champion Chiefs quickly took a turn for the worst as the Motor City Maniaxxx lost their captain and QB Matty Stafford to a back injury and later ended the season on a 9-game skid. However, their sorry ass 3-12-1 record should not serve as an indicator as to how they actually played in the majority of those games. Up until week 14, the Lions held a lead in every game…. EVERY. SINGLE. GAME.

Maybe things will be different this year… who the hell knows? A healthy team should help. As you see “Good Guy Zacch” mention, the Lions had a total of 18(!!!) starters miss games due to injury.

To pair with a fully healthy team, the front office made some solid moves in free agency with the additions of guys like Desmond Trufant and Jamie Collins and resigning key role players like first team all dime piece WR Danny Amendola. On top of that, Detroit had a very solid draft with Jeff Okudah, D’Andre Swift, Jonah Jackson and Julian Okwara all likely to make an impact Day 1. So on paper, (yes, I know) the team already looks far and away better than last year which is something worth noting. Staying healthy will be a huge factor and if they can keep Stafford standing upright and maybe pressure the fuckin quarterback, watch out. Anyway, enough of the runaround. Let’s get this shit started. Here are some spoilers for the Detroit Lions 2020 season. Enjoy!

Week 1- Home opener vs Chicago

One of the funniest, petty offseason moves the Lions made in free agency was signing the best QB on the Bears’ roster last year, Chase Daniel. Yes, this was before they went out and overtraded for Nick Foles but this isn’t the same Big Dick Nick that we know and love. While this is still the Bears defense, it’s no longer “the Bears defense.” Lions cruise to victory in front of their home fans to start the season on the right foot.


Week 2 @ Green Bay

Bottom line, the Lions got fucked on MNF in Lambeau last year to the tune of two garbage “hands to the face” penalties on Trey Flowers. Prior to this game, Trey had never been called for that particular penalty in his career. So we’re gonna call this the TFRG, or the Trey Flowers Revenge Game. Mark him down for 2 sacks and a couple more QB hits on the GOAT A-Rod. Add this to the brewing Green Bay controversy between coach and QB, and the D-Town crew escapes with a rare Lambeau dub.


Week 3 @ Arizona

I will personally be at this game which has to count for something. Also, we have another revenge game on our hands so LFG BABY. These idiot fucks blew a 24-6 lead in the 4th quarter against the now OROY Kyler Murray so they will be looking to run it back and seal the deal this time. Expect this one to be a high-scoring, downright shootout between two gunslingers as Kenny G and handsome ass Marvin Jones Jr have a field day against this secondary. D Hop vs the Lions secondary should be dope too though. Prop bet: Danny Amendola scores in AZ for the second year in a row.


Week 4 vs New Orleans

This is where it gets dicey. Everyone knows about the Saints and that well-oiled machine led by Sean Payton and 87-year-old Drew Brees, but will they be the same after another demoralizing playoff loss to the Vikes? Time will tell. I would definitely expect another high scoring game that could go either way when it’s all said and done. But the show goes on. Get your popcorn ready to watch 3rd overall pick Jeffrey “Free Jefe” Okudah lock his fellow OSU alumni Michael “Scottie Pippen Jr” Thomas the fuck up. Free Jefe hoe.


Week 6 @ Jacksonville

The Lions have been notoriously bad coming off bye weeks the past few seasons, and I expect this to be no different. Uncle Rico Minshew gets off to a hot start against a sluggish Lions defense and the enigma that is the Jacksonville Jaguars gets a win at home.


Week 7 @ Atlanta

Another road game that proves to be less than friendly to the boys. The last time these two met was the notorious Golden Tate “down at the 1, ten second runoff” bullshit so I’d expect Staffgod to come out slinging, as will his good buddy Matty Ice. Another fun matchup to watch will be the young stud Okudah traveling with Julio Jones, but I’d expect the OG to get the better of the rook in their first face off.


Week 8 vs Indy

Last season with the Chargers Phil “No Pull Out Game” Rivers almost, almost led a game winning comeback that ended with him throwing a game sealing INT in the corner of the endzone. Same story here. Lions win a nailbiter at home.


Week 9 at Minnesota

The past few seasons the Vikings have given the Lions and Matthew Stafford fits. Also, Kirk Cousins is way better than you guys give him credit for. The Vikes took both games last season and I expect that trend to continue here in a physical, nasty 17-13 type game.


Week 10 vs Washington

For the second year in a row, the Lions play the R******s and do what they should’ve done last season… beat the brakes off them. In a nice sign of Ohio State solidarity, Free Jefe picks off his old friend Dwayne Haskins as the Lions get back on track at home.


Week 11 @ Carolina

Sorry Noah, the king of the jungle takes this one. After a solid draft, the Panthers are trending in the right direction but the QB situation is still a question mark as many fans aren’t even sold that the sweetheart Teddy B is the guy. A fun one in Charlotte ends with the Lions five games above .500 for the first time in God knows how long.


Week 12 vs Houston (Turkey Bowl)

Gone are the days where Megatron would dominate on Thanksgiving giving Lions fans something to celebrate about and discuss over dinner. Trouble continues against the DW4 led Texans as they give us the Honolulu Blues at home on Turkey Day.


Week 13 @ Chicago

December in Chicago, no thanks. Cold weather limits what Stafford, Kenny and Marv can do through the air and the Leones are forced to rely on the run game. Unfortunately for us, Chicago has finished top 10 in rushing YPG the last 3 years in a row and this time is no different.


Week 14 vs Green Bay

The boys return the favor from last year and get the season sweep against the Pack at home. Jordan Love plays like Jordan Baker, and unfortunately Spence isn’t here to bail him out. Marv scores twice and Kenny Golladay learns that he has a new son named Kevin King.


Week 15 @ Tennessee

Kerryon Johnson and D’Andre Swift combine for 200+ yards rushing and show the folks of Tennessee what Smashville is really about. The Titans may have Zeus Henry in the backfield, but the combination of Thunder and Lightning behind Matthew Stafford proves to be too much to handle.


Week 16 vs Tampa Bay

Revenge game #3. The Bucs beat the shit out of the Lions last season, but Stafford wasn’t playing and the team was a shell of itself. Detroit also welcomes Tom Terrific back for the first time in a few years. The two elite beer chugging QBs go head to head for the first time with Brady in his new threads but the same thing happens as the last time he visited Ford Field. Matt Patricia helps hand his former Super Bowl winning quarterback an L and the Lions head into a Week 17 matchup for the division.


Week 17 vs Minnesota

After a grueling back and forth battle that sees the lead change hands 4 different times, Matthew Stafford leads the two-minute drill of a lifetime and the Lions, at long last, are able to capture the elusive NFC North division championship once again and sneak into the playoffs.

Final record: 11-5

If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading and let me know how crazy you think I am! Love y’all man, stay stafe. And remember…

Not reeeeally my city, but you get the point.